Every mother across the world was someone before she was "Mom." Our youth was our identity. So many interests, hobbies and a life very different than that of a mom. It was carefree late night dinners surrounded by friends in the heart of the city. It was a life full of parties, laughter and memories without stress or concern. Oh what a time it was. So full of freedom and independence. Then motherhood happened.
No one prepares you for what motherhood really means. The pure selflessness of it all is far more than I ever expected. From the moment of conception, you are no longer living for just you. Life is bigger. Every choice is made for more than just one. I lost myself. I lost myself in the crazy hormones, the morning sickness, the discomfort and changes happening to my body. It felt so hard at the time. All before our little one had even arrived. The pregnancy exhaustion was nothing compared to the exhaustion the next 10+ years would bring. Then I lost myself again in the the c-section recovery, the constant breastfeeding, the sleepless nights and the endless diaper changing. I lost myself in the post pregnancy body image struggles and lack of self worth. No one tells you about these things. Or how postpartum does something to a woman that is so incredibly complex and unfair. All of a sudden I could't remember who I was through the depression and exhaustion. This joyous moment with a new precious baby truly brought it's own set of darkness.
Running on fumes, I could barely keep it together. Baby after baby I slowly lost myself more and more. Forgetting many of the things that used to make me me. I no longer cared about the interests or hobbies that I once enjoyed. They became distant memories. The foggy brain of a mom is equivalent to momentary amnesia. Going out with friends or attending any sort of event was of zero interest anymore. I didn't even want to leave the house. The unhappiness began to consume me and I didn't even know why I was unhappy. Always angry about my exhaustion and feeling lost, without passion or any feeling of joy for anything at all. I had no idea what was happening. I had no idea how temporary this was. I had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side.
As the years passed and I waded through the trenches of motherhood, I didn't realize that the life I was drowning in would soon be the knowledge and experience that one day would make me me again. As the children grew, so did I. I was becoming a new, better woman. Learning everyday how to be successful in this role. Now an experienced wife and mother, I was growing into what I needed to be for my family. Finding my joy again. But not in the things that I once had a passion for. Now it was joy in my very own world as a mom. Everything I had learned I would pass onto my children. One day, far from now, I would use these feelings to help my daughters through their very own struggles of motherhood. This was my purpose.
Little did I know that those beginning struggles and feelings of sadness would make me stronger, make me experienced and make me truly a mother. Because motherhood is deeper than the children running through the house, deeper than the snuggles and kissing boo boo's. Deeper than cleaning up mess after mess, cooking dinners, school drop offs and sports carpools. Motherhood is an experience deep to our core. Nothing like any other experience we will ever encounter in life. It is finding strength in the chaos. It is finding a light in the darkness. It is solitude while never being alone. It is crying tears of joy. It is being overwhelmed and on point at the same time. It is the strongest feeling of love and sadness imaginable. It is creating life by losing oneself and then finding the mother inside you. Motherhood is selflessness to it's fullest meaning. It was this adventure through life that made me, me again. This was my journey. I lost myself in motherhood only to find motherhood in myself.
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